Twilight: The Rapist
by hitko333
Summary: This is my first fanfic, but I tried really hard. This is a story recommended for Anti-Twilight fans like myself. So enjoy and please review.
1. Twilight: The Rapist

**A/N: I don't own Twilight, thankfully. And this is just faintly based of the movie, so the scenes might not align along with the movie, but this is just for fun, so it shouldn't matter anyway.**

My name is Bella Swoon, Swam, wait, hold on, I'm a little high right now. Swan! That's it, my name is Bella Swan and I live, well used to live, in Phoenix. My mom lost custody of me a while back, a week ago to be precise. She tried to hook up with my principal on a school day, in the middle of school. She really wasn't too fond of my mother. Yes, she, my principal is a woman, a very buff woman. Now I have to move to Forks to live with my Dad. I'm not mad about it, but I just hope it's better than coming home every night with my mom on the couch with another chick every night.

I couldn't remember the drive over from the airport. Maybe I was sleeping, no I was still high.

"Bella, you've grown up so much." My dad Charlie said with his monotone.

"You're not gay now after all these years are you?"

"No."

"Good, just making sure. Mom's been a little crazy lately."

"Is that so? I really haven't heard from your mother lately anyway."

"Probably, because she was too busy with transsexuals." I muttered under my breath.

"You should go unpack in your room, you have school tomorrow."

I unpacked in my new smallish room and went to sleep. Okay, fine, I passed out after sniffing an assortment of markers.

In the morning I woke up feeling really, really good. Sniffing markers was one of my favorite pass-times to make me feel better from all the rejection from my mom.

"Bella, come on down, Jacob's here." Jacob was a boy from when we were kids, I still remember him from back then. I raced downstairs weary of the fact I was still buzzed from the markers.

Jacob was outside to meet me, "Hey Bella, long time no see." His entire body was covered in thick hair, especially his head and face. "I hope you like your welcoming present." In the driveway was an old orange pick-up truck.

"Wow, a car, can I drive it to school." I felt confident that I could drive safely."

"Of course, go on or you'll be late." Charlie pushed.

I got in a drove halfway down the road when I found a whole clump of hair, ewww, Jacob.

My nose was still dry from the night before when I got to the school and I was feeling kind of lonely. All of a sudden, a strange guy came up from behind me. "HEY! You must be the new girl, girlfriend~." He was obviously gay.

"Yeah, I guess…"

"Hey, is that perfume, you smell fruity," he paused, "But I like it." He whispered. I forgot to mention the markers from last night were also assorted flavors too. "Hey, lucky you. We have all the same classes, study buddies!" I hadn't noticed that he had looked over my shoulder and looked at my schedule.

"Great. Today's going to be fun." I said sarcastically.

Classes were boring, mostly because of the repeated sentences starting with, 'Hey!' When lunch finally came around, Eric, the gay boy from earlier, guided me over to his table, which was filled with his whole group of friends. Most of them I had already seen in some of my previous classes. I was still a little too woozy, but I managed to remember all of their names, so I just sat down quietly, and looked around.

"Who are those people over there?" There was a group of people that seemed to never leave each other and they sat down at their own table.

Angela gave an answer to my question, "Oh, those are the Cullens. The girl with the short hair is Alice. She's been tested positive for over 10 STDs, probably because she's with a different guy every week."

"Oh, oh, oh, and that cute one over there, by Alice, is Jasper, he's my boyfriend."

"Shut up Eric, no he's not!" exclaimed Mike.

"Hey, he is too! He just doesn't know it yet." Eric retaliated, his face turning a little red. "Jasper's bi, so everything will work out eventually." Eric finished while licking his lips.

Angela continued with the introductions, "The other girl with the longer hair is Rosalie, don't be fooled by her hot, supple, toned, body." Her mouth started to drool, "She's been through countless plastic surgeries with her dad."

Tyler answered the last introduction, "Rosalie takes advantage of Emmett because he has Schizophrenia.

"Eric looked confused for some reason. "Where's Edward?"

"Really, you didn't hear?" Jessica whispered as she leaned in closer. "Edward was caught coming to school naked. And he acted as if it was nothing special, but now he's suspended."

"Ahhh, that sucks, I must have been absent that day." Eric exclaimed surprised and a little sad.

"Gosh, hold on." Everyone, even the guys, pulled out a cell phone, except for Angela who pulled out a large camera, then showed Eric and me their screens which showed multiple pictures and even videos of Edward's body. One of the videos showed Edward walking at a slow pace with his big, long, floppy, and beautiful hair bouncing up and down. Oh, and it also showed his big, long, and floppy—

"Hey can you send those to me," Eric said. "Especially the videos." He finished with a happy smile on his face.

Biology class was next after lunch, so I quickly headed over there trying to avoid Eric along the way. I managed to get to class before that stupid Eric did. Inside most of the students were already there and so was the teacher. "Ah, Isabella, go over there and sit by Edward."

Edward? Yes, it was Edward, sitting by himself, fully clothed. I recognized him from his hair. I sat down next to him and shot a quick glance at his pants. Right there in the middle was a large bulge. I acted as if I never saw it and continued along with the class. Edward never stopped staring at me for the whole period. Once class was over he ran to the door and left.

I waited a week for the chance to ask why he looked so disgusted at me, but he never showed up to school. Another few days passed before he finally showed up again in biology. He looked a little bit calmer than before.

"I'm sorry about earlier." was the first thing he said.

"It's okay, I'm just the new girl is all."

"Don't sell yourself short, I was new here once too."

I accidentally caught another look at Edward's crotch. "I'm sorry, but I think your crotch is staring at me."

"Oh, my bad, I guess Eddy likes you."

"Eddy?" I questioned.

"Yeah, Little Edward, he's like my alter ego."

That little comment was enough to creep me out a lot, but I tried to ignore it. After biology and all my other classes with the ever-so agitating Eric, I left the school to get into my hairy little car. Tyler was driving into the parking lot on the slippery ice. A thick smoke was coming out of the windows as the van headed straight towards me.

Edward seemed to appear out of nowhere and right in front of me he air-humped the front of the van, creating a large dent and stopping the van. "Eddy really likes you." Edward said as he ran away.

Everybody crowded around me and sent me to the hospital where Dr. Cullen took a look at me. He gave me a physical examination to make sure everything was alright. It was very degrading to be naked in front of Edward's dad, but I lived through it.

I saw Edward the next day at school sitting at the lunch table with the other Cullens. He walked over to me and pulled me aside to another empty table. "I don't think we should be friends."

"Wha—"

"I think we should be more." He held onto my hand, which was icy cold, and he lead me out the door and into the forest nearby. We ran together rather quickly through the dense trees until we came across a nice and tidy clearing with a patch of sun shining through. "You need to see what I truly am." He said as he ripped off his shirt and stepped into the sunlight. His body was bathed in the fluorescent light and he started to… to… sparkle?

"You're sparkling?"

"Are you scared?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I know what you are."

"Say it. Say it out load."

"Rapist~." I said stretching it out by whispering the word.

"Really, is it that obvious?" He said in a higher pitched voice, "How'd you know?"

"Well, the body glitter sort of gave it away and all those videos I saw on YouTube."

"Oh, you saw those, huh. I guess you shouldn't be around me then. I'm a born rapist. Everything, my face, scent, and voice draw you in. But it's not like I couldn't just overpower you, you're just a fragile little girl."

"I don't care Edward, I really like you."

"I've raped people before, skinny people, really fat people, even some guys, and Alice a couple of times. I'm sure you don't want to be around me."

"Did you get any STDs?"

"No."

"Then I still really like you Edward, and I don't care what you've done before."

"I really… I really want… I want to… rape you too. Bella you're getting really red."

"You're face is really blue."

His eyes got really focused, "You wanna make purple?"

We both completely forgot about school continuing on as we both 'got closer' together in the forest. His body glitter shimmered in the light the whole time until it started to get dark.

"Bella, I was thinking, maybe you should come to see my family."

"Um, you don't think it's too fast?"

"No, too fast would be going right now. But I think this weekend should be enough time, right?"

"Well, okay I guess. This weekend, Saturday?"

"Of course, I guess I'll see you there." We walked to his car where Edward drove me home, while images of the event that just happened between us flashed through my mind.

The approaching weekend came quickly and I made sure not to be high so my mind could be on high-alert when approaching the Cullens. I smiled with joyous feelings as Edward pulled into the driveway and popped out the driver's side. I rushed down the stairs as if I was experiencing no fear, but I was actually feeling something far worst. I hesitated at the door, but gaveup on my feelings and got in the car after Edward. It was a long drive deep into the forest away from anything else. Edward's family's house was more beautiful than I thought it would have been, knowing about their many different problems.

"I wasn't expecting your house to be so nice looking, no offense." I said as we walked through the front door.

"What were you expecting, dungeons, chains, and bondage? What are we vampires?"

"Haha, vampires, that's ridiculous, sorry."

Dr. Cullen walked in just as we did and greeted us, "Oh, hey, it's Bella the B-Cup."

"Oh, shut up Dad." Alice said defended me, "That girl has really nice breasts."

"Yeah, and so does Bella!" Jasper said excitedly, "Oh, snap!"

Despite all the immature comments I progressed through the Saturday getting along with all of Edward's siblings and his parents. Emmett kept seeing things throughout dinner, Alice kept itching herself down there, and Rosalie didn't eat anything claiming it would ruin her figure from her latest plastic surgery. Overall I had a great time and I felt that I had truly bonded with Edward and even Little Edward.

Six years later I was in my new house in Forks, I had finally moved out and I was still going out with Edward. I went to the bathroom to take a shower and when I turned around, Edward was there.

"Hey where did you come from?"

"I came in through the window."

"Do you do that a lot?"

"What you don't know, I am a rapist remember?"

"Ha, yeah, I guess that's true."

Edward walked towards me and fell to one knee. He held his hand up and I took it into my own. I started to get flushed in the face and I waited him to say something. I was actually starting to get impatient.

Finally he said, "Bella, will you… will you… help me up, please? I'm kinda stuck down here."

I slapped him across the cheek, but I think he liked it…


	2. New Moon: Another Rapist

**A/N: I don't own New Moon, thanks be to god!!! And this story is based loosely off of the movie, so the scenes are a little mixed up within the movie, but this is just for fun, so it shouldn't matter anyway. This is my second story, so be sure to read the first one if you haven't and please review afterwards. I hope all you Anti-Twilight fans out there like this.**

"Grandma?" I was standing in the middle of an open field. And just then, another figure walked into my sight. "Grandpa? Oh, my bad, it's just you Edward." But it seemed like he hadn't heard me. From where I could see Edward was at the edge of the clearing, still in the shade. He took a couple of steps forward into the sun-dappled field. "No Edward, she'll see your body glitter!" I screamed in his direction, but he still didn't listen to me. He kept progressing closer to me and at the same time my grandma walked towards me. The sun reflected from Edward's glitter as he stood next to me. "Grandma, um, this is…" I stopped before I said Edward because I looked over at her and she was copying my hand and mouth gestures. "How dare you, you son of a…!" I proceeded to slap her, but wasn't able to because it had apparently been a dream and I had waken up before receiving my satisfaction.

"Oh good, your awake." My dad walked in with presents in his hands. "Well, I guess I should say Happy Birthday." I don't think 'happy' were the right words, especially after he had woken me up from my acid trip dream.

"Um, thanks."

"Yeah, well, your mom and I got you a couple of things. Here, open mine."

"It's not even wrapped and well, it's a crack pipe too dad."

"I know, your very first one, too. And this one's from your mom."

I peeled away the paper hoping it wasn't another crack pipe. Unfortunately it was something far worse. "A magazine?" It was a brightly colored magazine with the title, 'High School Detention: Naughty Edition' written on the top with a young girl in a skimpy cheerleading uniform on the cover. I turned over the cover and found a hand-written note on the inside page. I read it aloud, "Dear Billy, I thought this would be the perfect gift to help you think about what you could do during your Senior Year. Take pictures, love Mom." There was a stain next to the note and it reeked of vodka. "Wow, she even got my name wrong, she should know that it's spelled with only one l.

"Wow, you're growing up so fast, getting your first dirty magazine and all."

"I'm not getting that old."

"Are you sure, I think you have a grey hair."

"No way." I jumped up and searched my head in front of the mirror. "There aren't any grey hairs there."

"Who said anything about your head." He left the room without saying anything else, leaving me completely repulsed. "Really funny." I checked down there anyway, just in case.

I was dreading going to school, I didn't want everyone talking about it being my birthday. I hate my birthdays, all the unnecessary attention, but at least I had my Edward. Speaking of Edward, he had just rolled up in his car as I got school.

"Hey Bella, Happy Birthday…"

"Oh, you knew about that?" I never remembered telling him about it.

"Yeah, I overheard you and your dad this morning."

"This morning, but I thought we were alone?"

"Well, sort of, I was outside."

"Wait, how long were you out there?"

"Well, let's just say that your dad wasn't lying about the grey hair." After Edward's confession of peeping on me, I saw Jacob walk over.

"Happy—"

"Please, not so loud. I don't want everyone knowing my business."

"Attention all ladies and delicious young men." The intercom came on and Eric was yelling through it. "I just wanted to announce a very important person's birthday. Congrats to my home-girl Bella for her 18th birthday, even though she looks like an 80 year old Asian woman."

"Oh, don't listen to him, I got you something." Jacob pulled out a little dream catcher that looked hand-made. "I made it myself from my own hair."

"Oh, you didn't have to do that, especially taking hair from your head."

"I didn't use any hair from my head…"

"Oh, um, then why is there a grey hair in here?"

"Oh, my bad, that one's yours."

"HOW DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THAT!!!"

"Come on Bella, Alice wanted to talk to you." Edward literally dragged me away from Jacob and pulled inside the school ignoring all the staring faces.

"Edward, people are staring at us." Edward snapped out of his trance-like state and suddenly dropped me. "Ouch!"

"BELLA! Happy Birthday!" I heard Alice shouting across the hall. "Are you coming to our house for your party?"

"Really, your throwing a party for me? I don't know…"

"Great, can't wait to see you! Here, open my present!" Alice thrusted a colorful box at my chest, almost knocking one of my lungs out.

"You got my underwear?"

"Don't you love them, they used to be mine, at least they were before I got Herpes."

"Oh, I guess that explains why they're crotch less and covered in blood."

"Oops, the blood's actually kinda new." She bent over and started to whisper, for once. "I started my period."

Edward leaned over and whispered to me too, "You don't want to know how it got there."

I took his word for it and didn't ask any questions.

"Make sure you wear them tonight, bye."

After school, Edward drove me over to his house to celebrate and no, I didn't wear Alice's crotch less panties.

"Are you ready? There are many things I can protect you from, but my sister isn't one of them." Edward was the first one to walk in followed by me.

The second I walked in the light came on and everyone shouted, "INTERVENTION!"

"Huh, I thought this was a birthday party."

"It is sweetheart, it's just that we're also holding an intervention for you at the same time."

"Um, ok, an intervention about what exactly?"

"We want to help you control your drug problem."

"Wait, Edward's a rapist and I'm the one with a problem? How does that make any sense?"

Jasper started twitching after my outburst. "Please, stop I can't handle it."

"It's okay Bella, Jacob's still new to only being with guys, he hasn't been with a girl in about 2 years."

"Oh, my bad." Jasper started to calm down after a little while, so I sat down to rest. "Crap, I think my period just started." I little blood started to fall on the seat and I saw Japer start to twitch again.

"I… must… have… YOU!!!" Jasper jumped at me while I was still sitting and grabbed and my clothes trying to rip them apart. His heavy breathing started to slow down. "Wait, is that a grey hair, never mind, I'm over it." He got up and left the room without a second thought.

"Well, I guess you could say that you were saved by the hair on your, um, let's not say actually."

A few days passed after that and I didn't see Edward either. I don't know why, but I had thrown out all my drugs and had been waiting in my room patiently. I was on my bed just waiting for something to happen, anything at all.

"Bella?" Edward was standing at my bedside.

"Edward, is that you?!" I looked over and it was him, just standing there. He had probably gotten in through the window like always.

"Bella, I need to talk to you, in private." We left the house and entered into the woods, the same place were he admitted he was a vampire. "Bella, we're leaving Forks."

"Okay, I'll go and start packing right away." I tried to turn around and run home, but Edward grabbed my arm.

"No, my family and myself. The cops are catching onto all of my rapes. It's too risky for me to stay here any longer and I can't have you dragged into all this. You just don't belong in my world, Bella."

"If this is about the grey hair, then… then… I'LL SHAVE!" As he turned around and left I tried to hug him, but I missed and fell, taking his pants off in the process. He kept on walking away as if he didn't notice his bottom half was completely naked. I ran after him when I got up, but he was already out of sight. My head felt light and dizzy.

When I woke up I was in my bed, I thought it had all been a dream. I tried calling Edward, but every time it said that the number never existed.

Out of anger I raided my dad's pill cabinet, grabbing every child-proof bottle I could, tearing them apart, and swallowing the pills in large gulps. It turned out I had engulfed a whole bottle of my dad's Viagra Pills. Random bouts of pleasure set in and for a while (aka 3 days) everything felt good in the world, until the side effects come around. Hair grew all over me especially in my armpits, arms, and legs. I tried shaving, but it all grew back in a couple of days. After a week or so I almost looked exactly like Jacob, or so I thought.

I went over to his house to visit because he was the only other boy I could really talk to. Jacob was walking into the woods when I got there. "Jacob, hey Jacob!" I ran over and caught up to him. "Wow, you shaved everything." His hair was cut short and he wasn't wearing a shirt. I could see the all of the skin on his chest and it was surprisingly tan.

"Yeah, I did, look." He dropped his pants and I saw everything else. I hid my eyes, but looked through my fingers.

A bunch of other guys were walking out of the woods that Jacob was about to go into and they were all nude as well. "Hey Jacob, let's go already."

"Sorry Bella, I have to leave, see you later." He ran off leaving his clothes behind. I saw so shocked and horrified that I chased after them.

"What are you doing with Jacob?" I yelled at the group. The leader turned around and looked at me, but said nothing.

A different member looked around and said, "Whatever we want to, you got a problem with that?"

"Bella, you should leave, please."

"And, what, leave you with these barbarians?" I slapped the person who had spoken a moment ago.

"Oh, that's it lady."

The leader said something this time, "Go, and run, quickly."

"Huh?" The guy that I slapped started to breath furiously, but no one tried to stop him. He pinned me down, like Edward used to do, but Jacob pulled him off and they started fighting.

"Take her back to Emily's place." The other two boys in the group helped me up and drove me through the woods to an old cabin. I was confused, but I went inside anyway.

"Hi, I'm Emily, nice to meet you."

"Yeah, you too." I wasn't sure if I should say anything, but I went ahead and gunned for it. "Um, they're all, um—"

"Rapists, yeah, but it doesn't bother me."

"Oh, does that mean they, you know?"

"Rape me? Yep, almost every night."

Just then the leader, Jacob, and the other guy drove up in a car and walked in. "Sorry about earlier." said the guy who tackled me.

"Come on Bella, let's go." I left with Jacob and he took me somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

"So… you're a rapist, huh?" I looked over at him, this wasn't the first time I had found out someone close to me was a rapist.

"Yeah, funny, right? Um, well, not that funny really."

"You really shouldn't rape people."

"Oh, so now you're a hypocrite! I know about you and Edward! And I know that he's a rapist too! Besides it not like we rape just anybody, we only rape other rapists."

"Does that mean…?"

"No, we haven't touched your precious little Edward, not yet anyway…" He finished, whispering.

"Anyway, you can't rape rapists, they'll rape you first."

"Oh really, then how did you think I knew about your grey hair? Last month, you never woke up."

"Last month, that was my birthday! Ewww, that's nasty, I can't believe you."

"I don't know what to say, I have to practice somehow and practicing with the guys just isn't enough sometimes."

"Whatever, good bye! And DON'T follow me!" I left and went home feeling thoroughly disgusted. When I walked inside I ended up being jumped by Alice.

"Bella, long time no see! Wait, why aren't you wearing any underwear?"

"You're not a rapist too, are you? I think I've had enough of rapists for one day."

"No silly, it's just a stripper thing, don't worry about it."

"What are you doing here Alice?"

"It's about Edward, he's doing something stupid."

"Well, that's a surprise." Jacob said as he walked in from the kitchen.

"Jacob, I thought I told you not to follow me."

"Well, I'm glad I did, who knows what this witch would of done to you."

"Hey, I'm not a witch. Witches and prostitutes are two completely different things. Anyway you should speak for yourself, you rapist."

"You knew he was a rapist."

"This is completely off the point, Edward's trying to get himself killed."

"Good, that's just one less rapist I have to deal with."

"I thought you said you wouldn't touch him."

"Umm, uhh, well…"

"Bella we have to leave, now. Edward's in Italy."

"Italy, why would he go to Italy just to kill himself? I bet he's looking for some tramps to rape one last time. Ugh, let's go, I'll teach him a lesson myself."

When we got to Italy, I had some time to talk to Alice. "So, what exactly is he doing here?"

"He's going to the Rapist Guild, an elite organization of rapists. They're a very secretive group with a very special body glitter recipe, Edward's going to try and reveal it to the public and once the guild catches wind of his plan, they'll kill him on the spot. He'll probably do it at noon, when the sun's at its highest."

The rest of the ride was a racing track to where Edward was, apparently Alice knew a great deal about this 'Rapist Guild' I started to have my suspicions about how.

We made it to the town thanks to Alice's crazy driving skills and I instantly jumped out of the car running in the direction Alice told me to. I ran and ran until I saw a large building; at the top it had the title, 'Clothing Optional.' Argh, stupid Alice, wrong directions.

As I turned away, the door to the building opened up and Edward was standing there, shirtless, showing off his horribly askew nipple. No, really, it looked like pig tried to nurse off of it and failed so it tried harder. But anyway and stopped where I was and ran to him screaming, "No, Edward!!!"

"Bella?" He looked up only to see me half tackle him into the building's entrance.

"Like I'd let my spadarkable muffin get himself killed."

"I'm sorry Bella. I didn't know what I was thinking."

"I think I do." I girl in a hood walked down the hall and greeted us. "You wanted yourself dead because you couldn't live with the guilt of raping others. And now for your disloyalty, the master will see you."

She guided us through the empty stripper building into a secret chamber. There were three menacing looking men perched onto of royal-looking thrones. "Edward Cullen, what a pleasure to see you. Unfortunately, we won't be needing your services anymore, or your friends for that matter. Rape and kill them, slowly."

Two men and the girl from earlier catapulted toward us with a lustful glare in their eyes. Edward and Alice fended them off for a while, but it was futile in the end. They were both pinned down and I was next.

"Stop it now, please! Take me and leave the others alone, please!"

"Wow, you would protect him, a lonely rapist." The master said at his throne.

"He's not a lonely rapist, he has me."

"Well, I'm afraid there's nothing we can do. Well, except maybe… no I couldn't possibly."

"What, I'll do anything."

"Join us, become a fellow rapist and I will set you all free. It's as easy as that, what do you say?"

"She will, I'll make sure of it, no questions." Alice blurted out, now standing up with Edward next to her. "Edward will help, we all will."

"Delightful, I'll be looking forward to our new member. Now, run along, we have some business to attend to."

We all left together, with none of the goons following us, which I could see. On the plane ride home I called Jacob and told him to meet us somewhere, he had to know what was going to happen.

Jacob met us in the woods where I told him to meet us and we started talking. "Jacob, something's happened."

"What, what's happened? Don't tell me it has something to do with him."

"Please, just calm down. I've decided to become a rapist, like you and Edward."

"No, you can't, if you rape someone, I can't promise that I won't do something about it. And I definitely can't protect you from anyone in my pack."

"Well, what if it's my choice."

"No, I won't let you be one of them Bella."

"It's not your choice Jacob. This was a bad idea, I just thought that you should know, bye." Edward and I left quickly, leaving Jacob behind, I didn't want to even look at him right now.

As we left Edward said one thing to me and nothing else the rest of the day, "Bella, will you marry me?"

**A/N I know the last sentence kinda contradicts the ending in my first story, but I had to put it in, so for the purpose of the story line just forget about the ending from the first story. I hope you liked it and Eclipse should be coming out of DVD soon, so I'll be making another story for it soon, so please favorite this and review!**


	3. Eclipse: The Army

**A/N: I don't own Eclipse, and if I did I'd kill myself for creating such a disaster! I also don't own any of the people, shows, or songs mentioned in here either. And this story is based loosely off of the movie, so the scenes are a little mixed up within the movie, but this is just for fun, so it shouldn't matter anyway. This is the third story, so be sure to read the first and second ones if you haven't and please review afterwards. I hope all you Anti-Twilight fans out there like this.**

The two of us were in the field together like always "studying" like always. "Edward stop it, that hurts!"

"Oh, come on, you know you like it."

"Woh, not there! Stop it! I have an English final due."

"Fine, I'll stop if you marry me."

"No, if I'm going to marry you then I want to be like you. I want to feel the same way you do. I want… I want… to be a rapist."

"I'll let you be like me only if you marry me."

"That's not fair…" We stopped doing what we were doing (playing Twister) because of the new argument. "Marriage is nothing but a piece of paper, it shouldn't stop me from being like you."

"So, a condom is nothing but a piece of plastic, but it stops new life."

"Wow, you're bringing sex into this. Oh, that's right, you're a rapist what should I of expected. I can't do this, I have to do my English teacher or I'll fail that final exam."

I must say, I knew I aced the final. I heard the teacher's moan to prove it. So I decided to return home.

"Four o' one, you're late…" Charlie said as I walked in. "That's it you are grounded."

"WHAT! I was one minute late!"

"Yeah and what if you had got raped."

"If only you knew…" I whispered.

"You know I have other reasons for grounding you. I don't want you so close with that Edward kid, he's strange. And not just Betty White strange, I mean Betty White singing show tunes on Glee strange."

"But Edwards in my life now, he's in other peoples' lives too."

"What?"

"Nothing…"

"I'll tell you what, you can be ungrounded, if and only if you go and see Jacob. He's been really lonely ever since he molted all that hair. I think it would do him good if you went and did his hair or something."

I couldn't get a hold of Jacob at all. I wanted to do his hair, trust me; Edward wouldn't let me touch any on his, well, above the belt anyway. I paced around thinking of what I could do and then, "Woh, Edward what are you doing here?"

He was standing in the middle of the room and he had gotten there without me noticing. I guess I should have been used to it by now, but I guess I still wasn't, not just quite yet. "I came to remind you about those airline tickets to go see your mom. We really need to use them soon."

I really did want to see my mom, a lot. But more than that I wanted the excitement of bonging Edward's brains out on the beach behind her back.

"Bella, are you sure you want to stay in Forks? I mean the colleges here have a lot of all girl ones. You could all the fun you want without the fear of pregnancy, like I had when I was a kid, you know before I got hitched to a Willy."

"Dad's name is Charlie."

"Yeah, I know, I'm talking about his Dong, his Hotdog, his Beans and Mash, his Sparkler—"

"Okay, that's enough." Now I'll never get the image of dad having a "hotdog" down there out of my brain. I changed my mind about wanting to see her anymore. I had almost forgotten how lesbeonic she was.

I tried to hide away from her in the house, but very expressive pictures of her and others lined the house. Edward especially seemed to enjoy them.

We when got back to Washington our first stop was the Cullen's house. Edward said that it was something important.

A worried Alice met me at the front door. "Bella, something horrible is happening. Come inside quickly."

I did as I was told and was in front of a family meeting. Edward's dad started the conversation, "Someone or something is planning something; something targeted at you Bella. Your luscious little body figure has become a big hit in the underworld of erotic dancers. Not that I would know anything about them directly, I just heard about it."

Edward was the first to confront me. "Bella, you're not safe anymore. We have to protect you, at least until we can do something about them."

"We know one thing and one thing only." Edward's dad started back up again. "They're building an army and so shall we. Edward's right Bella, you need to be protected while we train, so someone else has to do it."

"I know just the person…"

Jacob took me out to the lake, the lake we always went to as kids. "It's beautiful Jacob, I can't believe I finally got a hold of you, why wouldn't you answer me when I called?"

"I couldn't help myself when I heard you were in trouble. Because… because… I also… also want to tell you something…"

"Tell me somethi—" He grabbed me and embraced me with a too long kiss than I was comfortable with.

"I don't want you to become a rapist, not like him and definitely not like me. I know what it's like and I… I… love you…"

"You know I don't feel the same way and you can't choose that for me!"

"Here Bella feel this." He took my hand and stuck it in his pants. "This is who wants you, more than me, and more than Edward."

I pulled out quickly and balled and fist, punching him square in the nads. "Ow! They were rock hard and my hand ached with pain. Jacob took me home after that.

"Bella what happened to your hand!" Edward exclaimed when he saw me walking up to the front door.

Jacob had an answer. "I kissed her, then she broke her hand… punching my crotch."

"They were like two bowling balls and a lightning rod." I said rubbing my sore digits.

"How dare you! I don't want you coming to the graduation party, so just stay away!"

"No Edward, it's okay I want him there. After all we're going to need him with your family to explain what's going on."

"Wait, what do you mean 'what's going on'? Is this about you becoming a rapist again?"

"You'll just have to find out at the party."

And that's just what he did. My secrecy was enough to lure him to the party with an apt amount of enthusiasm. "So, "what's going on" in the words of Bella."

"We hate to ask this of you." I said.

"Some more than others." Edward growled.

"Anyway~. We need your help and your clan's."

"With what exactly?"

"There's an army, an army of erotic dancers that are coming after me."

"We're in, I'll make the clan agree. I'll do anything to protect you Bella, you and you're gorgeous collection of hidden Barbie dolls."

"Oh, actually those aren't mine… they're my dad's…"

"Oh, my bad, I was wondering why they were sticky."

The training ensued and I wasn't allowed to be there, it was apparently a complication of my safety. However as the days went on, I knew that my safety wasn't going to be protected for much longer, especially with the strange moaning sounds coming from my dad's room all the time.

Finally the day came where the Cullens and Jacob's clan came to get me. And then they brought me to a large field devoid of any flowers whatsoever. "Gosh, this place is atrocious."

"Would you really want a battle to take place somewhere pretty?"

"Good point… So what am I suppose to do?"

"Just stand there and your smoking hot body will lure them in."

"Thanks… Edward's dad…"

Everyone was ready for the upcoming battle and that included me. I wasn't going to let anyone take me away for their dirty fantasies, well except for Edward of course.

A rustle came from the surrounding woods in front of us and some more from the sides. Three crews of men, women, and slightly transvestite-looking people walked out from the trees and whom a guessed was the leader, a thin lanky man, walked in the front of the center group holding a boom box.

The battle had begun. The leader set down the boom box and turned it on:

"_Rah, Rah, Ah, Ah, Ah_

_Roma, Roma, Ma_

_Gaga, Ooh, La, La_

_Want your bad romance."_

"Ahh!" The Cullens and the clan fell down together. "Arg, Lady Gaga music… it's a rapist's worst enemy."

"But thankfully we trained for this, right?" Jasper said getting up slowly. He pulled out another boom box from behind a large rock and turned it on; its sound masking the Gaga music:

"_Cause this is thriller, thriller night_

_And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike._

_You know its thriller, thriller night_

_You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight"_

The two enemies danced to the song with amazing choreography. It must have been extremely hard for them to train for this and now I know why I wasn't allowed at practice; the sight was absolutely horrifying.

The _Bad Romance_ song started to overpower _Thriller_:

"_I want your love, and I want your revenge._

_You and me could write a bad romance._

_I want your love, and all your love is revenge._

_You and me could write a bad romance."_

But _Thriller_ made a come back and drove off everyone in fear. Both boom boxes turned off as the final stand off started.

The enemy's leader started to talk, "You may think you have us beat, but I have one final trick… Ke$ha!" He took the Lady Gaga CD out and inserted a new one and pressed play:

"_Don't stop, make it pop_

_DJ, blow my speakers up_

_Tonight, I'mma fight_

_Till we see the sunlight_

_Tick Tock on the clock_

_But the party don't stop, No!"_

Everyone was wrecked with pain, apparently the Ke$ha song was really too much for them. They were all flailing on the ground as the music blasted on.

I walked up to the skinny guy dancing like a stripper very casually and gave him a swift kick to his balls. He fell down and to reward my victory I turned off the music.

"Really guys, THAT was the army? A bunch of nerds dancing to Pop music?"

"Wow that was a close one, my crotch almost couldn't take it."

Everyone went on with their lives after the battle; can we even actually call it a battle? Everyone went on with their lives after the dance off of epic gay proportions especially Edward and me. The two of us went back to the flowery field from the beginning of the story and talked.

"Bella, are you really sure you want Alice to orchestrate our whole wedding? The whole wedding will be like a bachelor party."

"I know, but that's just what two rapists what, right~?"

We fell into an ecstasy induced evening of newly engaged pleasure. And that's not figurative ecstasy by the way.

**A/N I know the last part still contradicts the ending in my first story, but I had to put it in, so for the purpose of the story line just forget about the ending from the first story. I hope you liked it and I can't wait for Breaking Dawn to come out on DVD, so I'll be making another story for it soon, so please favorite this and review!**


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